Name in the News

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Student sacrifices holiday with family to serve meals to homeless skiers in Aspen

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—After weeks of earnest soul–searching, SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME has decided to forsake spending the upcoming holidays with his family in order to serve a greater calling – the plight of hungry, homeless skiers in the famed Colorado resort community of Aspen.

Student exhibits first case of Ramen noodle-induced scurvy, begs for funds

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—After subsisting for weeks on a diet of instant freeze–dried shrimp–flavored noodles, SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME is exhibiting signs of scurvy, a disease generally associated with citrus fruit– and vegetable–deprived sailors and soldiers from the early 19th century.

Student recovers from amnesia, able to call parents soon

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—A freak accident caused SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME to lose all memory of his parents’ names and phone numbers, leaving him completely unable to call them since the time of the accident.

Billionaire poses as normal college student to attract mate

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Unbeknownst to his many classmates and friends, SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME isn't who he appears to be, playing the part of a "normal" college student in order to find someone who loves him for who he is, not for his many millions of dollars.

Students demand extra credit for attending classes on Fridays

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Arguing that nobody ever goes to Friday classes anymore anyway, SCHOOL student activists are fighting for the right to receive extra credit simply for showing up.

Scientists confirm ten new cases of hibernation at local college

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—The number of hibernating students has risen to an all–time high of ten at SCHOOL this year, eclipsing last year’s count of eight, according to scientists studying the student population there.

Roommate prepares for annual shower

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Planning kicks off this week for SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME's annual shower as he prepares to select shampoo, soap and a towel in anticipation of the event.

Dictionary lists roommate under definition of "kleptomaniac."

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—The Heritage Standard Dictionary announced today that it has added SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME to its definition of "kleptomaniac."

Roommate's growing mold colony demands voting rights.

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Agitation continues among the aggressive mold colony growing in SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME’s personal belongings, which has of yesterday evening at 11 p.m. demanded it receive voting rights.

Professor receives two smiley faces and a “Way to go!” on end-of-term evaluations.

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Sifting through a random stack of papers, SCHOOL professor LAST NAME was pleased and surprised to discover a pair of smiley faces and one difficult-to-decipher "Way to go!" on his evaluation sheets for this last semester.

Socratic method turns out to work way better for Socrates.

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—After numerous attempts, SCHOOL professor PROF'S FIRST NAME PROF'S LAST NAME is ready to throw in the towel on a teaching method that has existed for centuries, although rarely with success.

Students shocked to learn professor has life off-campus

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Upon bumping into SCHOOL professor PROF'S FIRST NAME PROF'S LAST NAME inside a local department store, several students expressed shock and awe that PROF'S LAST NAME actually exists outside the classroom.

English major seeks corporate internships involving Beowulf

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME has begun his summer job search, confident that his advanced skills analyzing Olde English literature will set him apart from other candidates.

Student relaxes for eleven straight minutes

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Witnesses say they could hardly believe their eyes as SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME broke his previous relaxation record recently.

Student gets B, lives

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME has, in fact, survived the traumatic effects of receiving a B, despite behavior and vague threats to the contrary.

Student begins arduous solo trek across campus commuter lot

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Armed with shockingly little in the way of provisions or even a fully-charged iPod, SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME struck out on the long journey from the commuter lot to campus today.

Student finds Freshman 15 passé, gains Freshman 43

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—After months of dining on cafeteria food, pizza, and assorted junk, SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME has decided to forgo the traditional "Freshman 15" in favor of the much more original "Freshman 43."

Student joins Joiners Anonymous

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—In an utterly expected move, SCHOOL student and prolific joiner FIRST NAME LAST NAME has officially joined Joiners Anonymous.

Renegade student refuses to backpack through Europe next summer on principle

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Thumbing his nose at what has become a bona fide collegiate rite of passage, SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME has announced plans to spend the summer in his parents’ basement.

Student disappointed by community college's lack of community

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—At a recent campus forum, SCHOOL student FIRST NAME LAST NAME pronounced the school sorely lacking in the quirky neighborliness implicit in its use of the word, "community."

35-year-old fraternity member told, "Dude, give it up."

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—After months of deliberation, members of one of SCHOOL’s largest fraternities have finally told aging member FIRST NAME LAST NAME to hang up his paddle.

Sorority sister banned for lack of perkiness

TOWN, STATE/PROVINCE—Members of a SCHOOL sorority confirmed today that they voted unanimously to ban fellow member FIRST NAME LAST NAME from the organization for a marked lack of perkiness.